


Got All These Thoughts Running Through My Mind

by Fictionista654



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Anxiety, M/M, OCD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-05
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:46:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27901717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fictionista654/pseuds/Fictionista654
Summary: Merlin has anxiety. Arthur takes care of him.
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	Got All These Thoughts Running Through My Mind

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a little ficlet I found on my computer from a year or so ago and thought I would upload! The title is a lyric from "Anxiety" by Julia Michaels.

Merlin was standing with his back to Arthur, hands on his hips as he surveyed their floor-to-ceiling bookcases. He was still in his pajama pants, which made sense as it was—Arthur checked his watch—four in the morning. Unaware of Arthur’s presence, Merlin pulled out a stack of used paperbacks Arthur had bought the day before and began flipping through the pages. Arthur couldn’t see his face, but he could picture the look on it: brows drawn together, full lips pursed, eyes dark with anxiety. When he’d finished with one book, he put it back on the shelf. Then he flipped through the next one.

“You won’t find anything,” said Arthur, and Merlin jumped.

“Jesus! You scared me!” 

Arthur smiled and walked across the soft carpeting to put an arm around Merlin’s shoulder. “Come back to bed,” he said. “The books will be here in the morning.”

“ _No_ ,” said Merlin, shrugging away. “I’m not done.” When he reached past Arthur for another book, Arthur could see that Merlin’s knuckles were red and cracked. 

“You checked them yesterday,” said Arthur, picking up the one closest to him. Funnily enough, it was a memoir about anxiety. He silently held it up in front of Merlin’s face, and Merlin rolled his eyes before turning back to his current specimen. His long fingers were turning the pages at a brisk rate, his eyes scanning the pages. When Merlin froze, Arthur sighed. “Show me.”

The green lump embedded in the page could have been pea soup. It could have been a smoothie. It could have been anything, but it did, unfortunately, look a little like snot. Merlin tossed the book to the couch to join its contaminated kin. “I wanted to read that one!” said Arthur. Merlin silently shook his head and walked past Arthur into the kitchen. The tap turned on; Merlin was washing his hands.

“Are you worried about something in particular?” said Arthur, following Merlin into the kitchen. Merlin’s shoulders hunched up around his ears, and he kept scrubbing. There was something small and silver in his hands. “Not the Brillo Pad!” 

“Yes the Brillo Pad,” said Merlin, scraping the harsh pad up and down his palms. “Sorry.”

Arthur sat at the table and watched his husband attack the invisible enemies that populated his palms. “I’ll take the books back tomorrow.”

Merlin turned off the tap with his elbow and carefully detached paper towel from the roll without touching the holder. After wiping his hands, he tentatively pressed on the lever with the tip of his toe before hastily dropping the used towel. The can banged shut, and they both startled. 

“I don’t want to die,” said Merlin. To anyone but Arthur, this might seem like a complete non-sequitur, but he just nodded.

“I know. Come sit with me?” 

“Um…” Merlin looked back at the living room. “I still have five more to go.”

“Sit first.”

After a slight pause, Merlin took the seat around the corner from Arthur. 

“All right,” said Arthur. “What are you thinking?”

“Climate change,” said Merlin. “Mass extinction. Shooters. Car crashes. Anything.” Arthur knew that underneath the table, Merlin’s fingers were twisting. “I was trying to distract myself.”

“With another spiral?” said Arthur.

“Being afraid of germs is better than being afraid of death,” said Merlin. His face was white and strained.

“Oh, Merlin,” said Arthur. He brought Merlin’s head to his lips and kissed his soft black hair. 

“Left side,” said Merlin, and Arthur kissed the left side of Merlin’s head as well. “Good?”

“I’m scared,” Merlin said mournfully. “I don’t want to die. I don’t want you to die. I don’t want anyone to die.” His throat pinched around his voice, making it thin and small. 

“How many times have you been afraid of dying?” said Arthur. Merlin’s mouth twisted ruefully.

“So many times.”

“And have you ever died?”

“No, but no one ever dies before they die. It’s like…” Merlin jerked his head. He was getting more upset.

“It’s like what?” Arthur said patiently.

“It’s like I’m an AI that’s self aware,” said Merlin. “Like those stories where robots can’t cope with reality and end up self-destructing. I don’t have the code that protects me from the truth.” A tear splashed to the wooden tabletop. 

Arthur stood. Merlin blinked blearily up at him. “Where are you going?”

“We’re going back to bed,” said Arthur, pulling Merlin out of his seat. 

“I can’t sleep right now,” said Merlin. “I’m too scared. A nuclear weapon could fall on our house.” Arthur tried to picture a life in which he genuinely thought a nuclear weapon might come down over his head. It was difficult.

Their bedroom was dark after the warm glow of the kitchen, and Arthur walked straight into Merlin’s desk, which coaxed a laugh from Merlin, at least. Underneath the covers, Arthur slung one leg over Merlin’s and pulled him in tight. “You’re not going to die for a long, long time Merlin. Statistically, you should live to seventy-six years old. That’s so old. Humans have such long life spans.” 

“Car accident, cancer—”

“Okay,” said Arthur. “Fine. But the thing is, you can’t do a single thing about it, except from eating healthy and buckling your seat belt. And in all likelihood, you’ve got so many years left. They should be good ones. Not filled with fear. Is this helping?”

“No,” said Merlin. Arthur felt a wetness on his arm. Merlin was crying silently, his shoulders shaking. Arthur rubbed Merlin’s back, massaged the muscles between his shoulder blades, dug his thumbs into the muscles that run along the spine. Slowly, Merlin began to melt. 

“Right now, you’re in your bedroom,” Arthur said in a low, soothing voice. “You’re in your bedroom with your husband, who loves you so much. You’re in bed, and you’re safe.” 

“You promise?” said Merlin.

“I promise,” said Arthur.

**Author's Note:**

> Join me on tumblr! I want friends :) 
> 
> I'm fictionista654 there too


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